The biggest spectacle in sports entertainment revs up this Sunday in Houston Texas as WWE puts on the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania. Made popular in the late 80s by icons like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage, Wrestlemania has become a mid-Spring tradition, where wrestling and entertainment collide. A WWE/F fanatic of the “Stone Cold” Steve Austin era, I’ve revisited professional wrestling in honor of Wrestlemania XXV and because I thought The Wrestler was awesome. WWE is still chooglin’, with old favorites and talented newcomers. I would buy the PPV, but due to the economic recession, I won’t be able to watch the biggest night in sports entertainment (sigh…). Nonetheless, here are my predictions for “The Granddaddy of Them All.” I can get kind of obsessively into this, so if there’s a term that is foreign to you in these predictions, check here.
(c) denotes Champion
Rey Mysterio v. JBL(c) (Intercontinental title)
This is probably the least hyped of all of this year’s Wrestlemania matches, and deservedly so. It’s a clash of styles that I don’t see being a very good match. JBL has promised to make history this Sunday in his home state. I think this history will be to drop the Intercontinental title to the wildly popular Rey Mysterio and retire to become SmackDown’s new color commentator.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Matt Hardy v. Jeff Hardy (Extreme rules)
Matt Hardy’s jealousy of his brother Jeff’s success has boiled over and the two brothers will face each other in Houston on Sunday. Jeff Hardy is one of the most popular wrestlers in the WWE. However, he has just come off of a WWE title reign. Matt needs this win more than Jeff does. I predict a heavy use of tables, ladders and chairs (oh my!) in this extreme rules match. I think the match will end with Matt beating the crap out of Jeff, getting the pin, realizing what he’s done, then helping Jeff back to the locker room.
Winner: Matt Hardy
25 Diva Battle Royal (Winner will be crowned Miss Wrestlemania)
For those of you who don’t know, in the WWE, “Diva” means “stripper on steroids.” I didn’t even know there were 25 female wrestlers in the WWE. There’s some dude with a unibrow who wants to be considered a “diva”, but he won’t win. I honestly don’t keep track of this part of the WWE, so I’ll just say the one I think would win if she’s even still in the WWE.
Winner: Trish Stratus and men in general
CM Punk v. Kane v. Mark Henry v. Findlay v. Christian v. Kofi Kingston v. Shelton Benjamin v. Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) (Money in the Bank Ladder Match)
Though the first Money in the Bank Ladder match occurred only 4 years ago, it has quickly become one of the most talked about matches in Wrestlemania. Winning the Money in the Bank match means that you get a briefcase that contains a contract for a championship match for the WWE or World Heavyweight title. The winner can cash in their contract whenever they please. So far, every wrestler who has cashed in their Money in the Bank title shot has won, making it an even more desirable prize. I’ll do this one by process of elimination. CM Punk won last year, so scratch him. Kofi Kingston and Findlay don’t have much going for them, so they’re out. Mark Henry’s too damn fat for the ladder to hold, so don’t count on the World’s Strongest Man winning this one. To be honest, I really want Kane to win because he has toiled through main event competition for so long and hasn’t had more than a day-long reign of the WWE title to show for it. I think they should give Kane the win, but it looks as though they’re going to hand the baton to MVP or Christian. Both are working matches really well as of late and have bright futures ahead of them.
Who should win: Kane
Who will win: MVP or Christian
John Morrison and The Miz v. Carlito and Primo Colon (WWE and World Tag Team title unification match)
This match will also be a lumberjack match. No, there will be no chain-sawing — this just means that the ring will be surrounded by other tag teams who aren’t competing in any other events at Wrestlemania. This is pretty much a way to get much of the roster on Wrestlemania without having to produce a match along with the build up and what not. I’ve watched Carlito for a while now, and, honestly, I’m not impressed. His in-ring skills are great, but he’s boring. His hair is by far the most interesting thing about his personality. I have seen John Morrison and The Miz, however. These kids deliver. They can fly high, they’re technically sound, and have got more swagger than Yeezy and Weezy. They’re really fun to watch, and it seems like the WWE is taking a liking to them. Also, my crystal ball says John Morrison will get a world title shot within about a year.
Winner: John Morrison and The Miz
Chris Jericho v. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper w/ Ric Flair and Mickey Rourke (Handicap gauntlet Match)
Chris Jericho has been yapping for weeks about how he’s better than many of the legendary wrestlers of WWE’s past, and three of them intend to do something about it. Anyone who watched wrestling in the 80s remembers these three guys. “Superfly” was the high flying thriller, Ricky Steamboat guaranteed an excellent match, and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was, quite possibly, one of the greatest heels of all time. Although he will not be wrestling, Ric Flair will be at ringside, and Chris Jericho has personally seen to it that star of The Wrestler Mickey Rourke will be sitting at ringside for the event. Jericho will beat both Snuka and Steamboat, but will have trouble against Piper. At this point, Flair will intervene, then Rourke will come over the guard rail and deliver either a sucker punch or a Ram Jam to Jericho, but it won’t be enough. Then, and I’m calling this right now: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin comes in with the stunner, the 123 and brewskis for everyone. The End.
Winner: Roddy Piper w/ help from Mickey Rourke, Ric Flair and Steve Austin
The Undertaker v. Shawn Michaels
Oh, man. This should rule. My two childhood favorites square off against each other. These are two veteran wrestlers who know how to make a great match. Bet the farm that the Undertaker will win this. He’s 16-0 at Wrestlemania, and I don’t see any reason why they would let Shawn get away with that. Whoever snaps that streak should be a lot younger. That being said, I think Michaels will do what he does best at Wrestlemania and steal the show. Michaels will come closer than anyone else has ever come to beating The Phenom, but it’s pretty much certain: Taker 17-0 @ Wrestlemania.
Winner: The Undertaker
Edge(c) v. John Cena v. The Big Show (World Heavyweight Title)
I’m not very happy with this match. For one, this Sunday will mark the 34th time that Edge and John Cena have squared off against each other on television. That’s not even counting the house matches. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both great competitors and have wrestled excellent matches against each other, but come ON! I get that you’re supposed to put #1 v. #2 here, but it’s getting ridiculous at this point. Also, I didn’t like the build up to this match. The love triangle, Edge getting.. well, edgy, then The Big Show (that’s The Giant for you WCW fans) makes out with Vicki Guerrero. Ugghhh… Many are saying it’s going to be either Cena or Edge on this one. I’m going with neither and picking the Big Show for this. He might not hold the title long, but I think that he’ll be able to sneak away with the title after a choke slam to John Cena.
Winner: The Big Show
Triple H (c) v. Randy Orton (WWE title)
This is the match that has gotten the most build-up. The definitive main event of the evening. If there’s one word to describe this match, it’s intensity. These two have been at each other’s throats for weeks, and this Sunday, it comes to a head. Don’t be surprised if this match is made “No DQ” early in the night, because if I know Triple H and Randy Orton, it’s going to get ugly. This’ll be a good match, I think. In order for this main event to mean something, I believe Randy Orton has to win this contest. The WWE is retarded if they don’t give the belt to Orton right now. He’s the hottest wrestler in the company right now, and he’s also a great heel. If there’s anyone that can lead the company into the new generation it’s Randy Orton.
Winner: Randy Orton
If you want to check out Wrestlemania 25, order it on PPV this Sunday at 7. Or, just go to a bar — they probably have it on TV.
Post written by Rob Molster.
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